Something about this post seems "momentous", i have had two columns of red wine in a very narrow glass in order to begin the post, which has been open for several days
The blog, which served as a refreshed and unmarked medium change from the hot and unable bag longhand, has undergone a soon and fate-like change into a soothing white mental held that by being thought of becomes both and oppositionally "pure" (implies a clean pre- -ness) and also "elegant" (a contradictory and by nature post- state, formed as something that has both been drafted and condensed, any flapping slack cut, dissolved)
which has formed a second triangulation (the third point of the first triangle being the presence of Me, the actor; Me the actor being also the third point of the triangle i am about to describe) of the lapis and gleaming blog being re-lit in constant momentary spans perpendicular to the continuous,unique ,and passing radii of the circle of each day, system of constant refreshment and intention at the back of the actor's mind creating a sense of peace, also small and livable panic, also an increased probability of any writing/blogging at all, but then that presence seems to decrease the ability to initialize any writing/blogging at all, raises some kind of invisible threshold that did not exist in its current height prior to the blog being the main substantial spear of the brain, the real and main axis of writing and "action"; the second triangulation is thus
Me: the actor
Initialization
ability
The back brain system of the blog, held and continuously refreshed/enriched
And ongoing accretion of un-ascribed un-described time and experience adds to the amount and span that the post needs to ascribe and describe, which creates additional "momentousness" and adds to general personal anxiety
There is a part of myself, and which i have come to now in this period of reformation (just looked up reformation to understand the level of specificity of the word and it seems to connote something more structural than what i mean... said structural connotation not avoidable by change to "reform", which seems more... what i mean is the re-gathering in gluons and particles of personality, mind, heart, and self which have previously been shattered [scattered] and dissolved back into the strong central true funny new and oriented self) which seems to operate on a unrecorded period of rotation which faces the actor first at one social cluster of people, then another, then another, finding solidity/truth/weight in who is presently faced while feeling an escaping and "casting", "sloughing" action towards the rest, moving the loyalty depending on placement in rotational period and cardinal direction of facement
It has now been several hours since typing the above, and a state of sleepiness that seemed to portend "giving up" and going to sleep soon, not typing more, has moved over, through, and past me. Drunkenness similarly has passed -- gave way to an immediately sort of mild, desperate embarrassment, induced by textual behavior induced by wine or which happened within the gauzy and brief experience of wine alone which overlapped with the paragraph right before this one -- hence my sort of active and internal swivel among friends felt very urgent, then i remember a sort of minute dissolution of the embarrassment caused by remembering my new constant test - but not test, just also a probing action - the action which is to relax into the un-optimization of self in the planned and organized company of others, including in prescribed rhythms and behaviors and then just a general and uncategorized urge to tell things to my friends
I thought: just because my "upswing" period is not congruent with an equivalent period of hers, just because i had until recently ('recently' seems inapt, due to importance of this period ) been sharing a bleak regenerative and insular comfort with her, does not mean that the shared bleakness was poisonous, or that that temporal and undefinitive sludge in any way mars the friendship, generally, /will somehow be "ruinous" to my intentions now... This solitary urge to rocket when in personal upswing generally does not ...
I am not feeling good about this post, i am feeling not slackness in the render but more the sensation of a hewn wall, formed of rough and large units of stone, heavy and mortared together with very thin seams of mortar, grainy, the stones are not movable and are all tight to each other but are samey and repeating to look at the wall there are no individual stones and there is no flow through them, just ---ONE----is what this post feels like, like a plain material in units repeated and no current altering itself pliable sensual and aglow, threading
No thread
I believed while typing that last part about the wall and then "No thread" that describing the suboptimal quality of the writing in a novel way would in effect efface its suboptimal quality and make it good by encasing the previous in a flexible but firm polymer cover minutely holed for digestion
For digestive juices to enter and begin digesting the substance within the cover
I think it's important to note the cover collapsing in on itself once the substance is fully secreted and it is empty, freed by physics to be concave
I'm not writing about ANYTHING that has happened this week, which is FUNNY, which seems FUNNY. Week is the chosen literary container for the stretch of time that has been occurring since Dec 20, when i returned to Va via northeast corridor, but not even really - more since i chose to stay longer, since Th. left, and since a series was established with IB that was allowed by me extending the needle of time forward, but in a way where the finity has remained -- last night after hanging out there was a completion i felt in the room -- he made the decision to remain here longer instead of returning to london and was out on the armchair, in a way perpendicular to the empty center of the room that was almost similar and evocative of a very purposeful remote choice of seating in his Va guesthouse in 2020 --
And he was very handsome, i was feeling a frustration borne of insecurity but also of what is common with me which is the schism between instinctual knowledge and then (intentionally?) confusing emissions from the other, the schism seems like it is the insecurity, so maybe that's all one thing, lateral cloud cover of different type of sleepiness seems to be passing in now, in a very soft and lineless way into my middle head.i kept wanting to say things but seemingly for the purpose of retrieving the subject of sex to mix into the clear yellowy air of the room
earlier the day before i had been in the car behind IB and L, with blue notebook out in the dark trying to describe the procrastination of consummation felt which -- then with each iterative and truncated procrastinating act you seem to enter slack time which without refreshment allows for loss entirely
thus my (i am thinking of it twisting at right angles like pipes) urge to address sex, because it now billows over us in a slight and misty emission quality of which implies only i can see it
In all heterosexual scenes, there are unlisted desires, which with a piece of mental and personal belief physics can be made to seem "real", momentarily. I consider sex with.... It is almost the same binary action as with the
__________________________Hostile belief >> momentary relief and self soothing loop of the old obsessive compulsive cycle
H ostile ------
> belief
H eterosexual ---
Yeah.
One final thing: what is the "consequence"i always expect, the anticipated and doubled expectation that is the anti-death fear action - how has this, the anticipation, spanned, grown into a thick and veiling myth built of dust nuclei- beaded droplets , individual and (in)coherent ------- And how do i take the actions to disperse it?
"Getting my story straight", "afraid of being found out", afraid i will "get in trouble"... The roots of these, sick, evil, splintering in the meaty middle ground of context and conjecture in great macro span across my life... They are here, in Virginia, and if i can understand and see them elsewhere, the fine trapping hairs , then i can free myself
👪👫👠👮 🙋
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