just (8:21:37PM) looked up on my phone how to get scratches out of watch faces, read the pleasing phrases "watch crystal" and "determine what kind of crystal you have" and applied old child glasses lens cloth from right hand drawer to said undetermined but personal left hand watch face and with minor rubbing, removed the scratch which was a minute erred point of fixed fog from me hitting the watch accidentally against the inside doorknob of the bathroom door, minutes ago after washing my hands after feeling this sort of ailment-seeming but warm and friendly personal fog in my chest, downstairs, paranoid that i would be "clocked" as having smoked half a cigarette, earlier, in the parking lot of HWes, so operating in these sort of mechanical and teenage loops in the kitchen, around my parents, who actually just seemed happy to see me and sort of concerned i would not warm up and have dinner in the "correct" ways but any "correctness" relating only to me being fully nourished and "correctly" fed, had 2 modelos also by Lake A Plaza and there was a pleasant (and only in retrospect does it now appear to be constant, endemic and extant to the plaza and the part of the day spent there)... How to...There was a sensation of context and memory, but running in a track parallel to me, cold and unpainful. it was very cold which was also good. I found that in doing the slight mental vault required previous to the social situation, having to do a slight neural hop over the not even verbalized and now sort of purely textural and lightless mesh of "I am not wanted there", i arrived and soon ran myself into confidence, beforehand was nervous in the parking lot listening to at eithe rPepper or else the unheard On an axis... It feels banal to list song titles, but i guess i am trying to achieve and ram forward into a sort of core specificity which seems possibly like it shouldn't be circled and should also be described as quickly as possible... What else would I do, the vague "second song" "third song" doesn't seem better,
coming back here (8:51:50PM) after recalling while typing end of this blog post that while listening to whichever song was playing in the car and parked before exiting and meeting the other i thought "listening to music you know and like is for strengthening of self, ego" "I know that now", had a positive thought related to acid (rare if not possibly even totally solitary) sort of simultaneous or else just alongside in a sense not temporal but not spatial either in the lightless colorless render of mind, simultaneous to or alongside a wordless and impetus-less sense of the material strengthening, like a natural scale or armor, armadillo maybe, scales to the hard or nacred dermis, and then while there and after being there and then the smooth and easy drive back down R Parkway the self was back, is back, or is possible, is good and possible, beaming out from me, protected or reserved, changed but luminous, confident,
I feel a similar drive, heat, and flow while typing currently that i felt in the past in livedoc.docx and Livedoc2.docx, both of which i was reading over last night and feeling i think a low-grade and anesthetized "fucked"ness, the quotation marks are not for any verbal /semantic prophylaxis or irony, i feel they are funny and also create little text "bon bons" that you see are strung up by double pins, it is pleasant to see ""bon" and "bons"" next to each other like that with a cushion of space between
Last night i was also watching mumblecore, the beginning of liveblog by megan boyle, the current 2023 liveblog of megan boyle , megan boyle's flickr (as multimedia aid and emotional augmentation alongside liveblog), i remember watching again, feeling that it was imperfect and feeling a sluggy gray motivation to go back and recut it, then feeling that i wouldn't and all this was a flat wet loop occurring dull and simultaneous to many other streams of feeling
One of which was hope, "i have made good things before which were lighted and good without needing any exterior contrast of environment and which even in fault are formed of talent and
The watch is fogged up, looking into that now, online
I keep leaning towards him sexually, i want to arch over him, he was on the field where i had recess and i wanted to lay on top of him, arch connotes garden, i just colored both the words "sexually" and "garden" and then uncolored them, seemed stupid, like House of leaves stupid. Ha ha i am just having fun writing this, I am having fun! i feel the low flat settle at lower bowel that creates stress due to i will have to stop writing and go to the bathroom and meta- stress which seems to quicken the settle into an annoying digestive pressure. I don't want to describe digestion here but i will leave it because it seems dishonest to remove it. "seems dishonest" is a personal mass that must be returned to. Not here.
just paused blogging (ha ha, typed "writing this" then deleted and replaced with "blogging" :) )because i wanted to attend to several facebook messages
God i feel so good and i was in the peak of it feeling hesitant about describing at all, Feeling some grained blockage now, like blood being drawn and sitting solidly in a thin red line in the tube , not moving much... Feel that the peak of the feeling is coming out through my face, which has two fields of heat lateral on either cheek
Was happy, noting it, there was a length today of happiness, quickness, the chemical magic of self, charisma, honesty , an absence of blockage or insecurity, just action, speech, communication, "with"
With IB and Emily
