To be heard

by accessing ths blog slotting into place how recent the patches of  my consciousness and mood and sense of self memory set carried are and how short, gassy

Saw D and M today and didnt tell them of my news and didnt feel the need to like there is no point in just sacking it all out sachering it all out or spidering it, im glad ive told the people i've told but now i felt "curdling" feeling, confused or else old buzzing and empty slaught of stacking needs, need stacking all the way up into one tall teetering intention -less tower, just needing outwards and nothing will in fact emphasize or build on the news and now time to turn back to the novel, Drinking not a fun answer or a solid one but just a known quantity, it is known where it will go, what will become ofme, what girlish sliver is left to flake silvery through streets drunk, Not to quantify but some people feel better to be around than others, there is lack of a self-conscious/painful falsity around those who "we are the same", early dubbing of "Friendship", what troubled me, jokey bracketing of perceived similarity in meme-transfigurative empty speech, i despise that, i sent my story just to impress, wht is that impulse.... Feel ashamed of that impulse, note (i note) the missing I, I do want S to read it though, though.there are some where it feels the reaction is subpar or missing probably because i did not want that reaction in the first plac,e, did not need it, I work on my novel, i act and believe i am more insecure than i am, things trouble me and i am unsure why though i know why and have come to conclusions as to why before, Keeping myself..

feel pretty good right now feel glad and feel that the day fizzled out a little in non-control then Upswing somewhere in K pizza

 

 Italicized Mon Oct 30 1:24:34 AM as Demarcator of Time

<3, truly, it is A/OK

Watched Nenette et Boni w/ a new friend

Watched this at the shimmery near-close of a weekend of historical friendly symposiums, friendly as in "relating to friends", relating to friends as in the happiest and most beautiful action, felt a curious and generous re-turn of old earth and old curvature of planet but this time with new knowledge, felt verbal and lush, sentimentary and sedimental, walked back across the bridge, this time totally sober minus kava and imminent earl grey, twin pots at Martha's country bakery (MARTHA: WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT NAME: IT'S HIS MOTHER'S NAME:: so i see the weaving and recurring of this weekend's semiology: which is funny and pleasant), new friends and old lovers which i once walked across the same bridge with, i typed up at the time: we were walking across the Williamsburg bridge together, it was so good, like this would never end, I was incredibly talkative and not embarrassed and interesting, he peed on an M train which was silly but funny and I also peed on one of the intersects between the long two forks of the bridge, he was looking at the wall of the bridge and trying to align the pattern of the net (?) with the bar and feeling good when it aligned, was drinking a 40oz of coors light which I had just had my own tall boy of coors light, discarded on the bridge, then we came back to my apartment and immediately went to my room, we went to bed and he held me tightly...bleak and sad about “what is this all for,” time continuing on, more now just the reminder or shape of the specific feeling and depression I have about time continuing on, not being able to stand it, feeling so dim and meaningless and impossibly trudging to live through and continuing...he wanted to hang out afterward and came to my apartment w/ me (inconvenience) then took his contacts out and next morning had to go home to put in new contacts before going to work again (more inconvenience, seems like proof he likes me/wants to continue seeing me/I mean something to him)...today I felt sure that that is all some dim flicker of illusion, I am again on the carousel of myself in my head, like, wheeling around these thoughts and thought patterns which are damaging and untrue and projected, but then I also have these moments of what seem gleaming and good or which seem to swing wildly or largely in the other direction

Now (Mon Apr 3 12:46 AM) I remember on friday cherishing more than the old lovers these new friends and old friends all continuing and washing across my wall in orange runs of light, i felt very happy, i feel happy today, there will be no kickback for this, no twist in the feeling no tensile weakness which will snap back and form sick emotional recoil, this is no poisonous "good" which requires proof, confirmation, and Going to Retrieve and Recollect. No swings, wildly. I am not drunk tonight. B went to see about a cat today, I am very happy for her, my brother sent me a photograph of some kind of dead bird, i came home happy to see J with her hair wrapped sweetly up and back so she could wash her face, I received heartening missives from G, I will see other friends this week, keep writing, read the books I just bought, I type this very sincere, nervous but ready, in my comfortable and warmly-lit room, seeing a way forward