It was getting a little dire

 then i thought: here is the pattern

1. Invitational impetus , to invite possibility of unwanted and currently dormant heterosex in favor of the frenzy, which is calling for sustenance
2. Devoiding the self of own needed alimentary sustenance
3. Feeling paranoid and hating and fearful and resentful and, outstretched and recoiled inward both, w/ itch at the center 
4. Having had calm, nourishment, space, activation, then rest from the activation, time to sit with the self and know what needs to be done, to be made, written, and cut - And all of this frenzy and thought loop a kind of avoidance tactic

Proust is right

Every day is a series of successive sensations and feelings and patch by patch i am differing at 10 pm from 8 pm and now at 1:04 am again different simply about to rest and then wake up and go to flushing to see my father and brother

It is all ok, they are loving and good, she is loving and good, and she is loving and good, and i too

though i have begun, according to some sources, affecting a "brooklynite style vocal fry drawl"

My father is totally honest, he is what he is, says what he says, and has no ulterior or duplicitous self. I told him i would join him at the comedy cellar. and he said, That would be great. and meant it. To bounce this back and take the oppositional natural reaction to this and decide - take things as they are. As they are meant. They are probably meant. it is not up to you to guess what shadows are shifting behind the glass