Belated birthday post publish (1/10/23 3:15 AM, while digitally high)

 Darth Vader comic on my birthday!

 It seems to be the linear a slow muddling back when recognizable individual units e.g. these are the characters, media bars, images i take ownership of, i see them referenced (reference is important relational concept of Child Life) and recombobulated and feel low primate thrill of: Me, recognition

Now nothing even as unit-able or found or separable as Proustian madeleine cookie dipping into the tea, almost something post-dip , the post- act of dissolution , cookie already mostly dissolved or else tea cold and set in the sink, to be washed, and all recognition lies in the sly,and slippery: Nuance

so that something that once felt as exciting as seeing a known: Darth Vader, reproduced and in differing form and with unfamiliar style overlaid, was just turning the AM wheel on new Retekness to several stations in <180 degree arc each with mounting and attenuating bed of thin classical music beneath, touchingly

What i mean to say is that I am 24 today, i am older, more mature, and that the simple frenzied joy or activation of the past which hinged on a passionate rabid and voluntary taking-on of node of "IDENTIFICATION" has now become or continues to become silvery, sensual, soft, and based on loose boundary-less centers of variable unknowns

And i transferred that feeling to this common one now or is it not directly equivalent. saw my parents, thomas, thomas's friend edison today, felt a great love towards him and everyone and felt some same Though all seems strange and absurd and i forgot i resolved to view it as such Some things feel safe and known or not known themselves but turning the knowing back on everything else which has been found strange and known-ing them like the known structure of how to do things.. In the specific family unit or culture, the way things are done, tradition, etc. like just a tradition of interacting in a certain way with "    's friend,     " pre-registered schoolboy innocence and slight distance of relief

Yes, honeydew cartridge, even word 'Chinese' becomes verb action of relating to and acting towards things

Series of 3 dreams recorded

Some kind of uncanny multi-platformed tilting sky=barge which required feeling of ID, loss of security, to enter, seat taken, woman leaving, but already detaching from dock, too late, me and mother, seat 24, hill that was giving the impression of being very almost play-doh Kelly green and spring-like, me running over it, sort of fast many-framed movement up and slanted, Brian Jones , the massacre being of many women across times where he has faded out of existence to continue somewhere else in a different time at the next one, me, some south Asian tropical older woman, etc., but feeling empathy, , forgiveness, an attenuated and sexless unphysical dream attraction, before that the moon shaped pool-colored silvery dream of personal birthday party, w/ all guests, B and E both present, and it all being OK, some kind of chimpanzee/ape writhing around forward and a walk down in the dream, at the mall, and it being offered to me as to pet, me refusing, saying something purposefulyl funny, couldn’t I give it (hand gesture) something ____ or a ____, cant remember the words, but did upon first glimpse of waking up after that first dream

Hey its ALL OK

Swann still in love

Trajectory changed with his entrance Him lapping at the possible shores of both Finite and Infinite, which are not opposite to each other but which lay continuous on one shifting particulate sandbar, massaging pattern of scales in the imac screensaver, which i look at for a long time being the entire time completely aware i have a face and measuring what the face is doing, then turn around to see he is looking at me, whether w/ aim or not

At the rave was falling asleep and wished to fall asleep in order to arrive faster at the point of re-entry-forbidden terminus, anticipating and probing at him detachedly, carefully,for him to see me and retrieve

Tired of writing this or feel this inadequate as response/action to daylong pressure/compulsion to catalogue. Japan is cooler than china and feels more significant as aesthetic texture to attach to because japan has been more successful at creating massive and silvery amounts of narrative (must think of more precise word than narrative) so there are small clean shreds of it everywhere to take on

The loci which i used to take on as narrative pressure points and effective many orbitable poles of obsession now seem... now seem? sun coming up now which is kicking up a light current of dread. sky lightening at the same speed it was darkening earlier today, which effected same dread. I started hurrying to leave to avoid the feeling of being unwelcome

On the steps after testing for tape stopper in currently key-inaccessible door he sat down for parliament and remained unreadable. i was very melancholy, present, mentally sidestepping thoughts of nuisance, unwelcome, guilty, ridiculous, stupid, awareness of externally in-projected "sad relationship narrative",  receptors set to symbol and care, he was nauseous and seemed very sad and his eyes were bulbous/red/wet, actually remembering now any possible unwanted thoughts were muffled: inert and buried in a thick cloud cover of 

The sky is very pretty right now, 7:12ish am

Just felt slightly better, had thought: it will all come as it comes

Today on the roof felt OK or at least was in mindset to reassure both me and him of resident and incoming OKness

Always feel very lucid and then look back at measurable described actions and don't even feel that i did them. I feel i am not me there is no me. there are my actions and a loose circulatory network, which materializes in the room for a second, contorts, and disappears

Increasingly digitally high now 

Which is a relief

Sky even prettier than the last time i looked, all pink and blended

7:19 Am now

Got into bed first when he got in he held me and i felt totally good, temporarily immediate, fearless - or not 'fearless' which seems to connote an actual distinguishable state or feeling, but more "a total lack of fear"

OK i fell asleep and just woke up again i am typing at this laying in bed after 3rd night of little sleep in a row and feeling the edge of the somewhat diagnosable frenzy

I remember sitting between the wall and the floor with head tilted up, looking at a little machinery square sachet cutting across or plucking a series of strings of light

Off S Ave and walking back he spoke out of our shared nonverbal states and said in a genuine and slightly compressed way that he had found what i said upon seeing him earlier resonant, and reciprocated. I laughed a little (barely conscious and still probablyworking a sizable core effort at avoiding guilt, embarrassment) and said i was glad it was resonant. This response seemed incorrect so I described my highly inactive brain function due to  and added"but I hear you. Youre a good one,       " and patted him on the back which was returned

We sat on the stoop for a long time and he looked at a fixed point when he got up he reached out and i took his hand and some old part of my brain thought: "proof" at the rave i thought "proof" the times i stood apart and he came over and was suddenly with me and I felt With

at one point he came and sat with me (both lateral movement and significant lowering, ultimate state-change) and I thought, it starts now, this is time-marker, anything before this on this night I will not take as definitive locus, as source of fear

the trajectory remains changed forever, I still love him too much, he picked the lock w/ a series of movements invisible to me standing lower on the stairs and removed the alarm box and used it as a battering implement to ram the door open for me. Proximity, heat, and weight, cortisol, touch, I kept starting to cry, all the photos were changed, before christmas he handed it to me, pointed satisfiedly at where had put my photos back up, the first time he did he had said, They remind me of what we made together, I remember that but they were all replaced by photos of her, there were more of her up, the strings are all touching each other and knotting up together, i am going to go take a shower now, i am already 1 hour late and will be later still, i wonder how this would have been different if i had felt able to type it in the privacy of a word document and keep it for myself, his figure at the edge of the roof at the truncation of gentle slope downward, toward s the southwest the building is almost finished now, for a long time it stood wallless and lit up in a very blue, very white series of naked lights, i looked at the sun sliding between low (cirrus?) pilled cloud cover and building-furred horizon for a long time and then blinked and kept blinking and in order to continue looking at sun afterimage had to keep shifting eyes slightly rightward which would move the imprint itself so that it seems to be moving horizontally in rapid succession, towards some faraway true north, on some faraway beach

The clouds just opened and the sun is low enough now to come in on a direct fuzzy slant straight onto the eyes area of my face. i can barely see the screen. i'm going to stop here